I don't know bad things Daddy!

I was putting Micah to bed the other night as I always do since Hilary stays with him during the day.  Micah can always count on his Daddy time when it is time for bed- and any other way is wrong in his eyes.  We have our standard way of doing things in an order that can not be changed or altered in any way.  We always start with reading a story in his little bible followed by his scripture readings and memorization and then prayer time.  We have about 19 index cards that are filled out with different prayer requests that Micah had us write down.  He wanted to make sure these particular requests got attention during each prayer.  This particular night we read the story of Job and how a whole bunch of things happened to Job, but he never turned his back on God.  No matter what, Job believed in God and put his trust in Him.  I usually like to talk about what we read to help Micah get a little deeper in his understanding, so I asked him if he can remember a time when something bad happened to our family.  He said No!  So I asked him, what about sissy?  Wasn't that a bad thing that happened to our family?  Micah said, No...it was a good thing that happened to sissy.  What do you mean a good thing that happened to sissy...she left us...isn't that a bad thing?  No, it was a good thing...I don't know bad things Daddy.  Don't you miss your sissy Micah?  No! I don't miss sissy, he stated.  Do you miss hugging her and loving on her?  Yes, I do- Micah said.  Isn't it a bad thing that she left us?  No, it isn't a bad thing she left us Daddy, it is a good thing she left us.  It is a good thing she is gone?  Yes, I want her to be gone Daddy. At this point, I thought it may have been some mis-understanding on his part at what I was asking him.  Why do you want sissy to be gone Micah?  She is happy now Daddy...I don't want her here because she is happy with Jesus.  It's not a bad thing...I don't know bad things Daddy.  At this point, I gave Micah a big hug and told him that he understood things differently than I did.  This is why Jesus said, let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kindom of heaven belongs to such as these.  Children have a way of looking at things that we adults can learn from and grow from.  How they simply accept things with a child's heart.  It is real difficult for adults- who have been weathered by this life- to simply accept things as they are.  It isn't a bad thing that sissy is gone simply because she is happy now with Jesus.  It always hurts those left behind, but it isn't bad for those who are gone.  Micah wasn't thinking about himself, he was thinking about sissy's happiness.  That is all Micah needs to move on with his life.  Please continue to pray for our family as we move forward in this journey called life.  Every day I pray for Mercy and Grace on my life as I continue to learn and grow in Christ, so that one day I may stand before God un-accused.  What a Joy it has been to serve the Lord Jesus here in this lifetime so far.  May His Mercy and Grace extend to you all as well.  Grace and Peace until we meet again. 

Spinal Tap!

There was a video that was shown in our church service last week called "The Thanksgiving Chair."  The video showed a man going through a day in his life.  The day started with breakfast.  As the man was eating with his children, he looked at them and smiled.  Then the camera showed a wooden chair out to the side of the man.  He got up out of his chair and moved to the wooden chair where he sat and thought for a few moments of the things he had to be thankful for.  As the day went along, the man went through several different situations to which he placed himself into the Thanksgiving Chair.  In some of the situations, it was easy to place himself in the chair- other situations were more difficult.  It was powerful to watch the man giving thanks to God for the things in his life through good times and hard.  Today is Thanksgiving and I find myself in a place where I need to sit in my own Thanksgiving Chair.  As we celebrated Thanksgiving today, I couldn't help but to notice that our family was incomplete.  I was back in our bedroom, looking through the pictures on my phone and came across Kaydence laying on the couch.  I was taken back to this time last year, when the monitors were going off and Kaydence was laying on the end couch cushion.  As I closed my eyes, I could feel her little hand wrapped around my finger.  I also could feel my hand resting on her leg as she slept there soundly.  I thank God for the time we had with her and the memories we are left with.  I also thank God for giving us a knowledge that this is not the end.  I was meeting with a man last week about a health plan and he told me about losing his wife.  He had been in a state of depression for a long time and thought often about suicide.  The thing that turned his depression around was when he realized that he would never see his wife again.  When he excepted that in his mind, he was able to move on and proceed with his life.  I told him about Kaydence and how our family is just the opposite.  We were able to move on with our life because we realized that this life is not the end.  I am thankful for the hope that we have in a better life.  I am thankful for the hope of a life that is whole and complete.  I am thankful for the Love of Jesus, that He would care about me...Bryan!  Not me as a human race, but me...Bryan.  We serve a personal God, who cares enough for each of us individually to have a relationship with us.  I am thankful for Hilary and Micah- how they love me and care for me.  I can hold the both of them in my arms each night and I am very thankful for that.  There are many more things on my list of Grace upon Grace, but I will move forward to news of my health.  Most of the results of the spinal tap are in and they are negative, with the exception of an infection that showed up in my white blood cells...which is nothing to worry about.  We are still waiting for the longer tests to come back, such as TB, but my doctor doesn't think they will have any content that will help in figuring out what this legion is from.  The plan from here is another MRI scheduled for May.  They are going to take another look at the legion to see if it has grown any.  If the legion has grown, they will take a biopsy of it and if it hasn't grown...I have no clue what she will want to do with me.  I will give a "Praise the Lord" shout out for the current results and at the same time ask for your prayers on this legion- whatever it may be.  Thank You for your continued support!  You guys are awesome and we love you very much!    

Medical and Other stuff Update!

It has been a little while since I have given you an update last.  For that...I apologize.  As far as my physical stuff...I have felt pretty good for a few months now.  I have been transferred to a Vanderbilt Neurology doctor because my local Neurologist decided he was finished with me.  The nerve testing came back normal, so he just decided to wait for more signs...this was not okay with my family doctor so she pursued a transfer to Vanderbilt and I was okay with that.  The new Neurologist at Vanderbilt completed a second MRI and found the legion had grown at a minimal rate (1.31cm-1.4cm) in 3 months.  There was some retesting in the office for MS- since that seems to be where the doctors continue to lean- and a different result came back this time.  When the bottom of my right foot was scratched, my big toe went upward instead of downward- like usual...this has some medical name to it, but I can't remember what it is called.  The last time I spoke with my Neurologist, she told me that she can't rule out a brain tumor, so we are going to be doing a spinal tap on November 1st to look at the cancer cells and some other things within the fluid.  This will definitely be the first time I have had something like this done, so I will need your prayers and support as this test is completed.  I will not know anything for a few weeks after that, but I will give an update as soon as I hear something.  As far as some other things in the family, Micah has been potty training for a little over a month now and doing very well at it I must say.  The key was Reeses Peanut butter cups...that boy loves those things and will do anything to get them- even go potty "down the hole" as he calls it.  Hilary has taken over at our church as the Nursery Director and is loving her new duties.  She has such a passion for little kids and what they can contribute to the Kingdom of God.  Please pray with us that she can make a difference in the lives of those little kids.  Two weeks ago, I finally went on my "Wilderness Journey" with the guys and it was incredible.  This was a journey I had been praying about for a long time...it was worth the effort.  There were 6 of us all together and we each were to present a message to the rest of the guys at some point during the weekend.  God made all the messages come together as a part of a larger message and only He can do that!  The men were able to draw closer to each other during this time...and more importantly...closer to God.  We camped on an island in the middle of Percy Priest lake, which was an awesome thing I have never done before.  I have to give God the Praise and Glory for this weekend being such a success.  It is incredible to be a part of something bigger than yourself and to be used in any kind of way for the Kingdom of Heaven is nothing like what this world can offer you.  As a part of my normal Spiritual backdrop to these journals, I will let you in on a personal journal I completed last night within my bible reading.  It is one of those times when you write what you think and don't stop until you are done.

"He must remain in heaven until the time comes for God to restore everything, as he promised long ago through his holy prophets."  Acts 3:21

Close your eyes...tune in to your senses..tune in to your spirit.  Take some time to breath a quiet prayer as we continue further.

Can you see it?  There is a pathway in front of you made of dirt.  Off in the distance you can see many tall mountains...and they are breath taking.  The weather around you is comfortable- there is no need for you to wear anything to protect yourself from the elements.  As you walk further, you notice that there is a peace surrounding you...such a calm- yet powerful peace you have never experienced before.  There is light all around, but no sun in the sky.  This light is unlike anything you have ever seen before- it helps you to see things in a new way.  Stop...do you hear that?  Up ahead is a bear...about 10 feet away from you.  This is very strange.  Why aren't you scared of this bear?  All the times before when you came close, your heart would race- but it is as if you just know it is all okay.  What a strange and exciting place to be.  There is a Man walking with you...He is the One putting off the light that is shining on everything.  You feel as if you need nothing- the Man provides everything you need.  You have always needed so much in previous days, but all your needs are met...all at one time.  You want to stay here forever! 

Have you ever taken the time to think about the reality of the promise of God?  Have you?  I mean...really...the reality of the promises of God.  We often think about God restoring everything as if it is some kind of fairytale.  Do you think of the promise of eternity for believers as if it were a fairytale?  You should take some time to set and use this God given ability called your imagination.  The more you dream about the life He has planned for you, the more excited you will be about holding on to your faith during the hard times you have to face in life.  The more you dream...the more you long for your dream to become your new reality.  "This is it," you will think as you find yourself in eternity.  The battle is over, the time has come, and you are never going back...you are Home forever!  Set and take some time to think about that reality setting in.  There is, of course, another reality.  This reality is as equally true as the first one...but not as pleasant.  Close your eyes and go with me.

Your knees are trembling- even to the point you can't stand anymore.  You have just fallen to your knees in weakness.  He is there in front of you- looking into your soul through your eyes.  You know he sees everything about you so you tremble further because you know that you didn't live for Him.  You may have gone to church and hung with the crowd, but you know that you rejected Him.  Your life was more important than His.  You knew that you had lived for yourself, instead of living for Him.  Many upon many of chances were blown and they are all- at this moment- in the front of your mind.  He is getting ready to speak...what will he say?  "I never knew you.  Away from me, you evildoers!"  Did He say that to me?  Am I a part of this group?  Yes, I am a part of this group.  I had a choice to make and I chose me!  Why did I think what I was doing was not a big deal?  Why did I trample the Son of God under my feet for my own pleasure?  It just got dark...real dark!  I can feel the darkness around me and it is a very lonely feeling.  I am not alone though...there are others here with me, and they hate me.  I can't see a thing, but I can feel them looking at me. It is getting really hard to breath and it smells horrible...the stench of rotting is all around me.  I am never going to leave this place.  Why didn't I choose differently?  What was so good that I chose it over Jesus?  There is no hope at all!

Staying Strong!

It has been a while since I have written you on this blog.  It isn't because I haven't wanted to write you anything...I just didn't have any good information to give you.  Where I left you off last time, I was having some tests done and waiting for the results to come back.  The auto-immune tests came back negative and most of my MRI came back negative...yes I did say most.  I knew I wasn't right in the head.  There was a spot found in the part of my brain they call the Cerebellum, which unfortunately still doesn't explain anything about my sense of humor...where that comes from is still unknown.  On a serious note though...that part of the brain deals with speech, language, coordination and other motor skills, so I am needing to watch those closely to see if they get worse along the way.  The Neurologist still isn't taking MS off the table as a possible diagnosis.  There are about 5% of the cases that show no MRI abnormalities in the skeletal portion (which mine was normal there).  We are doing a nerve test next Tuesday where they will be sending electrical shocks up and down the nerves...oh...and did I mention that they were going to be sticking a pin in my foot muscle.  I am not allowed to have any kind of numbing medicine, so I will feel the full effects of the testing.  I will call this my training for persecution- if that comes down the road.  To similate a real life scenario, I will scream at the doctor a few times, "You can have my body, but you'll never have my soul."  If not anything, I will- at the least- try to make the most of the situation.  They are doing the testing to see something about the central nervous system or another nervous system.  One of them is consistant with MS if an abnormal test comes back.  I will be doing this test next Tuesday at 1:00pm(central time) if you want to pray for me.  There has been a scripture I have had on my mind a lot lately...I got it from reading one of my pevious journals on the caringbridge site.  I have memorized the scripture...let it sink in and move me.  I guess you call that writing it on your heart.

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Sometimes, when you become a Christian you think the rest of your life is going to be smooth and good.  Unfortunately, some pastors preach this message.  When the first sign of hardship comes your way, you think you aren't doing things right...or your faith isn't where it should be.  I believe all throughout scripture the bible talks about suffering for the cause of Christ.  Picking up your cross and following Christ.  Everyone's cross has different things on it, but it is all for the Glory and Honor of Christ that we stick by our faith...it is all for the Glory and Honor of Christ that we cling to Him when we face trials and struggles in this life.  When we became followers of Christ, a War was declared on us as believers.  The more satan has to worry about, the more he is going to push toward you and try to take you off the path you are following...the path of Christ.  I have held this verse close to my heart to remind me to fix my eyes on what is unseen instead of what is seen.  Not that I have obtained this, as Paul states, but I am trying.  For all you out there looking for something to pray for:  I am going on a men's trip in September that is going to be very interesting.  There are six of us going to the wilderness to reconnect our hearts with the heart of God.  Each of us is going to be bringing a very important message from the bible to the rest of the guys at some point of time throughout the weekend.  I have a crazy feeling that something incredible is going to happen during this trip and none of us are going to be the same.  I would appreciate your bathing of prayers on each of the six of us guys going on the trip.  Pray that we would be able to see the seriousness of the times we are living in today.  Pray that we will have a clear vision for what we are supposed to present to the others.  Pray that we would be sensitive to the calling of the Spirit as He guides us in preparing for this time.  Pray that we will receive this word in good soil and become fruitful with the information we are given.  Thank you guys for all that you do.  Our family appreciates you very much.

Living in the Limbo!

Life can be pretty hard at times.  We go through moments that are meant to make us stronger by building our faith in God...and our faith is built- but it isn't pretty while it is happening.  There was a lesson God was teaching us through the entire life of Kaydence...and we're still learning it today.  I was reading through some of the older journals on the caringbridge site this evening and saw that very lesson played out in many of the journals.  The lesson was all about "Living in the Limbo."  Limbo is a state when you don't know what is going to happen...you are between a few things and kind of bent over backwards in an uncomfortable manner.  While bent over backwards actually playing limbo, you have the thoughts running through your mind, "Will I hit the pole?" "Will I make it through to the other side?" "Will I fall down?"  Each of these might represent a direction your life could go at any moment.  When we were in the life of Kaydence, the quesitons were more, "Will she live with this condition for a long time?" "Will she have a miraculous recovery and improve greatly with therapy?" "Will she die soon?"  Her life could have gone in any direction at any moment of time...it was all in the hands of God.  It is hard to live in the Limbo moments of your life, but it is in those moments that you tend to trust in God the most.  Our life has finally gone back to a rather normal state...or has it.  A few weeks back I went to the doctors office because I was experiencing some issues that I thought were minor, but ended up being a little more serious than I thought.  My arms and legs have been going numb over the past 11 or so months at various moments.  Sometimes, my arm would go dead- I would have to take my other arm and move the dead arm to get it to have some feeling back in it again.  I don't like going to see the doctor...not because I don't like doctors, but because I would rather just try to get over the whatever on my own and rough it.  I went to see the doctor because the issue got much worse over the past month and a half.  My family doctor wanted me to see a Neurologist because of this particular issue.  She said that since Kaydence had some neurological issues they were never were able to diagnose, or find out where they came from, I needed to be checked out.  As I answered the doctors questions, the symptoms were consistant with the onset of MS, or maybe Parkinson's.  What an interesting appointment I had with my doctor.  I thought it was just some minor issue I was having and here she is naming medical conditions that I would have never associated my life with.  Well...I went to the Neurologist yesterday.  He performed many different MS tests in his office (he must have had the same suspicion as my family doctor).  I failed each and every one of the tests he gave me so his thoughts are along the line of an autoimmune disease such as Lupus, which he named.  I had my blood drawn yesterday and they scheduled an MRI for Wed to see if there were any changes in my brain, or anything on my brain causing the issues.  Over the past few weeks, I have gone to work and come home only to plop on the couch and stay there until bed.  Micah wants his Daddy back and Hilary wants her husband back.  God has been speaking with me lately about this lesson of "Living in the Limbo" and He brought me some scriptures that have been put together, although I have never heard them back to back.  One of them is in the old testiment in Deuteronomy and the other is in Mathew.  Our family has done some different things lately with scripture memorization, so I am going to type them for you from memory...hopefully it goes well.  The first scripture comes out of Mathew: "Jesus said, let the little children come to me; and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  We always hear about having a childlike faith.  What does that look like?  Back in my childhood, our family struggled through some pretty hard financial times.  I didn't worry about it because I was a child.  Daddy and Mommy have it taken care of.  All that I had to worry about was which toy I wanted to take outside to play with and when dinner was going to be served.  We think too much in our adult life sometimes.  Why should we look at things with this childlike faith and how do we get there?  This is where the second scripture comes in: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you.  He will never leave you nor forsake you; do not be afraid, do no be discouraged."  The punctuation may not be correct, but you get the point of the scripture and besides...the words are memorized.  He is already there ahead of you!  If you were going to move to a different town, you would want someone to guide you who had already been through the town and already knows what is there.  You would want someone who knows the way around and can lead you as well.  There is only One person qualified to lead you through whatever it is in your life you are going through...only One who is already ahead of you who has already had time to plan.  Why trust anyone else?  I know that my lesson of "Living in the Limbo" is not anywhere near being over and probably will never go away as many uncertain times are yet to come, but I know a person who has already been in tomorrow and had time to make some wonderful plans...I have chosen to follow Him there!  Thank you guys for all your continued support for our family!  We love you all!

Watching Micah!

I was up on the deck as Micah was playing in the back yard.  He was running from one place to another- all the time laughing and having a good time.  He has his friends, we call them, in the back lawn that live under some rocks.  We are not sure what they are, but they look kind of like beavers.  There is a family of them that live back there- under the rocks.  Micah likes to go over to the rock and look in to see if he can see any of them.  There may be a bird at that moment that lands in the yard, which catches his attention..."Daddy, look!"  I really enjoyed watching Micah playing in the back yard.  As I looked down at him from the deck, I had such a pride in my heart.  He has been through some pretty hard things and had some real hurt...for being as young as he is.  He has kept his head up the whole time and been such an awesome boy...what a heart he has.  The love I have for Micah is undescribable...you kind of just have to be in my head to understand it fully.  Really, the love any parent has for their child is an undescribable love you just have to experience for yourself.  As I was standing on my back deck watching Micah, there was something going on at the same time...I was oblivious to it at first, but saw it in the end when it was shown to me.  You see...I was watching Micah, but I was also being watched by my Daddy.  Micah has his days...the ones that make you think, "who is that boy?"  When I think about Micah, I don't think about those days though...I think about who he truly is on the inside- the one we see most of the time.  I realized while on that back deck that my Daddy see's me the same way I see Micah.  Sometimes, I start thinking about all the times I have done stupid things, or said stupid things that don't bring Glory to my Daddy and I get hard on myself about the life I live.  It isn't who I am though...I was made for a different purpose.  When I look at Micah, I see some amazing things that he probably doesn't see.  When my Daddy looks at me, he see's the person he created...a person who was created for a specific purpose...a person who has a very important name!  As I watched Micah in pride, my Daddy told me He was proud of me too.  "Stop being so hard on yourself and realize who you are...my child!"

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God."  John 1:12-13

I think of the Harry Potter movies.  Harry's parents were some pretty incredible people and because he is their son, he ends up finding out that he has all this amazing power...even above the other children who are at this school he is going to.  We are born of some pretty incredible power...the power of God Himself.  God..may You help us to realize what it means to be born into your family.  Help us to realize what kind of name we have!

Scripures!

Micah asked me tonight if he could have some scripures in his room.  "I want scripures in my room Daddy," he says.  He just wants to look at them...I am not quite sure how Hilary and I feel about that.  Yeah...it will sink in eventually.  You will laugh later...if you already haven't at this point.  Our nightly routine now starts with walking around the house to read all the scriptures that have been printed out and hung up.  This whole thing started when I was talking to Hilary on her way home from St. Louis last weekend.  One of our family members had an experience where he woke up in the middle of the night in the midst of a terrible evil that was surrounding him.  There was darkness and a pressure on his chest, so he started to quote scripture and pray...eventually the evil presence left him.  I started to think as Hilary was telling me this story, "do I have anything I could quote in a case like this one?"  "Have I been preparing for a battle with the evil forces that surround us?"  No...I would have to say that I haven't been preparing and I don't have anything I could quote that might fit a case like this one.  I imagine that a person would be in an incredible amount of fear at a moment like that one, so I printed off about 15 or so scriptures that deal with fear and have started to memorize them one by one.  The story of our family member is not a single story though...this happens all over the place with many different people.  It is never a bad idea to memorize scripture as it can help you through some pretty dark moments in your life.  Our family clung to scripture along the way with what was happening with Kaydence each day...each twist and turn that her little life brought us.  The idea of hanging the scriptues around the house was not my idea, so I can't take credit...my brother Terry has done this around his house.  He has done this for a little while now and it works wonders.  I have had an interesting time lately in my relationship with God.  He has led me to some interesting places by a statement he brought to my attention:  "If you want to make a radical difference...you have to do something radical!"  This statement has led me to do some things that don't make any sense to some people, but they do make sense to me.  I have plans of laying that out a little more in a later journal.  If they are living like the world...the things you do shouldn't make any sense to them!