Staying Strong!

It has been a while since I have written you on this blog.  It isn't because I haven't wanted to write you anything...I just didn't have any good information to give you.  Where I left you off last time, I was having some tests done and waiting for the results to come back.  The auto-immune tests came back negative and most of my MRI came back negative...yes I did say most.  I knew I wasn't right in the head.  There was a spot found in the part of my brain they call the Cerebellum, which unfortunately still doesn't explain anything about my sense of humor...where that comes from is still unknown.  On a serious note though...that part of the brain deals with speech, language, coordination and other motor skills, so I am needing to watch those closely to see if they get worse along the way.  The Neurologist still isn't taking MS off the table as a possible diagnosis.  There are about 5% of the cases that show no MRI abnormalities in the skeletal portion (which mine was normal there).  We are doing a nerve test next Tuesday where they will be sending electrical shocks up and down the nerves...oh...and did I mention that they were going to be sticking a pin in my foot muscle.  I am not allowed to have any kind of numbing medicine, so I will feel the full effects of the testing.  I will call this my training for persecution- if that comes down the road.  To similate a real life scenario, I will scream at the doctor a few times, "You can have my body, but you'll never have my soul."  If not anything, I will- at the least- try to make the most of the situation.  They are doing the testing to see something about the central nervous system or another nervous system.  One of them is consistant with MS if an abnormal test comes back.  I will be doing this test next Tuesday at 1:00pm(central time) if you want to pray for me.  There has been a scripture I have had on my mind a lot lately...I got it from reading one of my pevious journals on the caringbridge site.  I have memorized the scripture...let it sink in and move me.  I guess you call that writing it on your heart.

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are acheiving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Sometimes, when you become a Christian you think the rest of your life is going to be smooth and good.  Unfortunately, some pastors preach this message.  When the first sign of hardship comes your way, you think you aren't doing things right...or your faith isn't where it should be.  I believe all throughout scripture the bible talks about suffering for the cause of Christ.  Picking up your cross and following Christ.  Everyone's cross has different things on it, but it is all for the Glory and Honor of Christ that we stick by our faith...it is all for the Glory and Honor of Christ that we cling to Him when we face trials and struggles in this life.  When we became followers of Christ, a War was declared on us as believers.  The more satan has to worry about, the more he is going to push toward you and try to take you off the path you are following...the path of Christ.  I have held this verse close to my heart to remind me to fix my eyes on what is unseen instead of what is seen.  Not that I have obtained this, as Paul states, but I am trying.  For all you out there looking for something to pray for:  I am going on a men's trip in September that is going to be very interesting.  There are six of us going to the wilderness to reconnect our hearts with the heart of God.  Each of us is going to be bringing a very important message from the bible to the rest of the guys at some point of time throughout the weekend.  I have a crazy feeling that something incredible is going to happen during this trip and none of us are going to be the same.  I would appreciate your bathing of prayers on each of the six of us guys going on the trip.  Pray that we would be able to see the seriousness of the times we are living in today.  Pray that we will have a clear vision for what we are supposed to present to the others.  Pray that we would be sensitive to the calling of the Spirit as He guides us in preparing for this time.  Pray that we will receive this word in good soil and become fruitful with the information we are given.  Thank you guys for all that you do.  Our family appreciates you very much.

Living in the Limbo!

Life can be pretty hard at times.  We go through moments that are meant to make us stronger by building our faith in God...and our faith is built- but it isn't pretty while it is happening.  There was a lesson God was teaching us through the entire life of Kaydence...and we're still learning it today.  I was reading through some of the older journals on the caringbridge site this evening and saw that very lesson played out in many of the journals.  The lesson was all about "Living in the Limbo."  Limbo is a state when you don't know what is going to happen...you are between a few things and kind of bent over backwards in an uncomfortable manner.  While bent over backwards actually playing limbo, you have the thoughts running through your mind, "Will I hit the pole?" "Will I make it through to the other side?" "Will I fall down?"  Each of these might represent a direction your life could go at any moment.  When we were in the life of Kaydence, the quesitons were more, "Will she live with this condition for a long time?" "Will she have a miraculous recovery and improve greatly with therapy?" "Will she die soon?"  Her life could have gone in any direction at any moment of time...it was all in the hands of God.  It is hard to live in the Limbo moments of your life, but it is in those moments that you tend to trust in God the most.  Our life has finally gone back to a rather normal state...or has it.  A few weeks back I went to the doctors office because I was experiencing some issues that I thought were minor, but ended up being a little more serious than I thought.  My arms and legs have been going numb over the past 11 or so months at various moments.  Sometimes, my arm would go dead- I would have to take my other arm and move the dead arm to get it to have some feeling back in it again.  I don't like going to see the doctor...not because I don't like doctors, but because I would rather just try to get over the whatever on my own and rough it.  I went to see the doctor because the issue got much worse over the past month and a half.  My family doctor wanted me to see a Neurologist because of this particular issue.  She said that since Kaydence had some neurological issues they were never were able to diagnose, or find out where they came from, I needed to be checked out.  As I answered the doctors questions, the symptoms were consistant with the onset of MS, or maybe Parkinson's.  What an interesting appointment I had with my doctor.  I thought it was just some minor issue I was having and here she is naming medical conditions that I would have never associated my life with.  Well...I went to the Neurologist yesterday.  He performed many different MS tests in his office (he must have had the same suspicion as my family doctor).  I failed each and every one of the tests he gave me so his thoughts are along the line of an autoimmune disease such as Lupus, which he named.  I had my blood drawn yesterday and they scheduled an MRI for Wed to see if there were any changes in my brain, or anything on my brain causing the issues.  Over the past few weeks, I have gone to work and come home only to plop on the couch and stay there until bed.  Micah wants his Daddy back and Hilary wants her husband back.  God has been speaking with me lately about this lesson of "Living in the Limbo" and He brought me some scriptures that have been put together, although I have never heard them back to back.  One of them is in the old testiment in Deuteronomy and the other is in Mathew.  Our family has done some different things lately with scripture memorization, so I am going to type them for you from memory...hopefully it goes well.  The first scripture comes out of Mathew: "Jesus said, let the little children come to me; and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."  We always hear about having a childlike faith.  What does that look like?  Back in my childhood, our family struggled through some pretty hard financial times.  I didn't worry about it because I was a child.  Daddy and Mommy have it taken care of.  All that I had to worry about was which toy I wanted to take outside to play with and when dinner was going to be served.  We think too much in our adult life sometimes.  Why should we look at things with this childlike faith and how do we get there?  This is where the second scripture comes in: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you.  He will never leave you nor forsake you; do not be afraid, do no be discouraged."  The punctuation may not be correct, but you get the point of the scripture and besides...the words are memorized.  He is already there ahead of you!  If you were going to move to a different town, you would want someone to guide you who had already been through the town and already knows what is there.  You would want someone who knows the way around and can lead you as well.  There is only One person qualified to lead you through whatever it is in your life you are going through...only One who is already ahead of you who has already had time to plan.  Why trust anyone else?  I know that my lesson of "Living in the Limbo" is not anywhere near being over and probably will never go away as many uncertain times are yet to come, but I know a person who has already been in tomorrow and had time to make some wonderful plans...I have chosen to follow Him there!  Thank you guys for all your continued support for our family!  We love you all!

Watching Micah!

I was up on the deck as Micah was playing in the back yard.  He was running from one place to another- all the time laughing and having a good time.  He has his friends, we call them, in the back lawn that live under some rocks.  We are not sure what they are, but they look kind of like beavers.  There is a family of them that live back there- under the rocks.  Micah likes to go over to the rock and look in to see if he can see any of them.  There may be a bird at that moment that lands in the yard, which catches his attention..."Daddy, look!"  I really enjoyed watching Micah playing in the back yard.  As I looked down at him from the deck, I had such a pride in my heart.  He has been through some pretty hard things and had some real hurt...for being as young as he is.  He has kept his head up the whole time and been such an awesome boy...what a heart he has.  The love I have for Micah is undescribable...you kind of just have to be in my head to understand it fully.  Really, the love any parent has for their child is an undescribable love you just have to experience for yourself.  As I was standing on my back deck watching Micah, there was something going on at the same time...I was oblivious to it at first, but saw it in the end when it was shown to me.  You see...I was watching Micah, but I was also being watched by my Daddy.  Micah has his days...the ones that make you think, "who is that boy?"  When I think about Micah, I don't think about those days though...I think about who he truly is on the inside- the one we see most of the time.  I realized while on that back deck that my Daddy see's me the same way I see Micah.  Sometimes, I start thinking about all the times I have done stupid things, or said stupid things that don't bring Glory to my Daddy and I get hard on myself about the life I live.  It isn't who I am though...I was made for a different purpose.  When I look at Micah, I see some amazing things that he probably doesn't see.  When my Daddy looks at me, he see's the person he created...a person who was created for a specific purpose...a person who has a very important name!  As I watched Micah in pride, my Daddy told me He was proud of me too.  "Stop being so hard on yourself and realize who you are...my child!"

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God."  John 1:12-13

I think of the Harry Potter movies.  Harry's parents were some pretty incredible people and because he is their son, he ends up finding out that he has all this amazing power...even above the other children who are at this school he is going to.  We are born of some pretty incredible power...the power of God Himself.  God..may You help us to realize what it means to be born into your family.  Help us to realize what kind of name we have!

Scripures!

Micah asked me tonight if he could have some scripures in his room.  "I want scripures in my room Daddy," he says.  He just wants to look at them...I am not quite sure how Hilary and I feel about that.  Yeah...it will sink in eventually.  You will laugh later...if you already haven't at this point.  Our nightly routine now starts with walking around the house to read all the scriptures that have been printed out and hung up.  This whole thing started when I was talking to Hilary on her way home from St. Louis last weekend.  One of our family members had an experience where he woke up in the middle of the night in the midst of a terrible evil that was surrounding him.  There was darkness and a pressure on his chest, so he started to quote scripture and pray...eventually the evil presence left him.  I started to think as Hilary was telling me this story, "do I have anything I could quote in a case like this one?"  "Have I been preparing for a battle with the evil forces that surround us?"  No...I would have to say that I haven't been preparing and I don't have anything I could quote that might fit a case like this one.  I imagine that a person would be in an incredible amount of fear at a moment like that one, so I printed off about 15 or so scriptures that deal with fear and have started to memorize them one by one.  The story of our family member is not a single story though...this happens all over the place with many different people.  It is never a bad idea to memorize scripture as it can help you through some pretty dark moments in your life.  Our family clung to scripture along the way with what was happening with Kaydence each day...each twist and turn that her little life brought us.  The idea of hanging the scriptues around the house was not my idea, so I can't take credit...my brother Terry has done this around his house.  He has done this for a little while now and it works wonders.  I have had an interesting time lately in my relationship with God.  He has led me to some interesting places by a statement he brought to my attention:  "If you want to make a radical difference...you have to do something radical!"  This statement has led me to do some things that don't make any sense to some people, but they do make sense to me.  I have plans of laying that out a little more in a later journal.  If they are living like the world...the things you do shouldn't make any sense to them!

2 for one tonight!

I thought I would write a few journals tonight since it has been a little while from the previous one.  There hasn't been any crazy things that have changed or happened since the last time I wrote a journal online, but I thought I would try to stay in touch with anyone who reads this thing.  I have been reading a book called "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis and so the few different thoughts I have for you to read come from this book.

May 3rd, 2010
"We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn,' and I accepted it.  I've got nothing that I hadn't bargained for.  Of course it is different when the thing happens to oneself, not to others, and in reality, not in imagination.  Yes; but should it, for a sane man, make quite such a difference as this?  No.  And it wouldn't for a man whose faith had been real faith and whose concern for other people's sorrows had been real concern.  The case is too plain.  If my house has collapsed at one blow, that is because it was a house of cards.  The faith which 'took these things into account' was not faith but imagination.  The taking them into account was not real sympathy.  If I had really cared, as I thought I did, about the sorrows of the world, I should not have been so overwhelmed when my own sorrow came.  It has been an imaginary faith playing with innocuous counters labelled 'Illness,' 'Pain,' 'Death,' and 'Loneliness.'  I thought I trusted the rope until it mattered to me whether it would bear me.  Now it matters, and I find I didn't.  Bridge players tell me that there must be some money on the game 'or else people won't take it seriously.'  Apparently it's like that.  Your bid- for God or no God, for a good God or the Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity- will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it.  And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high, until you find that you are playing not for counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world.  Nothing less will shake a man- or at any rate a man like me- out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs.  He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses.  Only torture will bring out the truth.  Only under torture does he discover it himself."

There were many things about this particular reading that struck me.  One of the things that stuck out from above was the talk about the bridge players only playing with money because they want to take it seriously and having something on the line is the only way most people will be serious about anything.  I wonder how many of us walk throughout this life like the bridge players who don't lay any money down.  There is nothing to lose...nothing also to gain...just playing it safe.  If I win...then I win; and if I lose...I lose.  This game really doesn't matter...I am just having some fun here...I'm still warming up.  The thing about the game of life- really- is this...EVERYTHING is on the line!  This game does matter!


May 1st, 2010
"On any view whatever, to say, 'H. is dead,' is to say, 'All is gone.'  It is a part of the past.  And the past is the past and that is what time means, and time itself is one more name for death, and Heaven itself is a state where 'the former things have passed away.'"  "A Grief Observed" C.S. Lewis

Becoming a Christ- follower allows us to be transformed into new creatures.  At this point, we constantly transform each day- by growing in faith and Christ- likeness- into new creatures.  With each new transformation, that part of you dies and Christ is allowed to live in that part of you.  When death occures, I believe another total transformation takes place and brings you to a place of total perfection.  You are finally what you were intended to be.  But, in order to be what you were intended to be, the part of you that isn't you has to die.  I believe this is why death has to happen...there is something that is a part of you needing to change- in order to make you who you were meant to be- but it can't occur while you're still here.  If only we could see Kaydence the way she was meant to be- maybe we wouldn't miss her as much...or maybe we still would.  Thanks again for all your prayers and support out there.  The strength of God working through His church is simply amazing!

I have went back and read some of the journals about Kaydence, back when she was still here with us.  One of the things that I have heard about the journal that drew people into reading it was that it was "real" more than anything else.  If I had some thought on my mind, I wrote about it that night on the jounal and it was a way for me to get my inner feelings out.  It was also a way for you guys to know what was going on in our lives and how to pray for us...how to support us.  I thought I would set down here tonight and do what I have done in the past...write with no particular goal or thought and see what comes out.  When we burried Kaydence; in my mind, and at that moment, the journey was over.  Many times- when Kaydence was still here with us- I watched her suffer greatly and actually thought that it might be easier if she did pass away.  You see, as a father...your job is to protect your family at all cost.  When Kaydence came into this world, I couldn't do that job and it made me feel two different ways: 1. Like a failure (even though there was nothing I could do to prevent it). 2. Helpless!  No matter how hard I tried, there was no way I could stop the chain of events from happening and that was hard for me as a father.  This is why I thought that it might be easier if she was to pass away, because I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore...I didn't have to watch her suffer anymore.  The journey did not stop when she died though....it just took a turn into a different direction.  I am going to tell you a few things that are probably going to be hard for me to explain- and you will probably try to use your own experiences to try to understand- which is okay.  I have been told by those who have lost people close to them that I need to just let it run it's course, so that is what I am doing.  People always wondered what was going on in our head as the parents of Kaydence, and now people want to know what is going on in our head- now that she is gone.  Back when Kaydence was still here with us, I could sense the Spirit of God surrounding us constantly.  As a matter of fact, I used to go on walks at night and when Hilary asked where I was going my response to her was: "He is wanting me to go on a walk with Him."  You can't get much closer to the Holy Spirit than that!  One thing that has been hard for me over these past few months is that I can't sense Him around me near as much as I did before.  I know that He is there, but I don't feel Him there as much as I did when Kaydence was with us.  There are days when I feel like I am barely holding on...days when I don't feel like there is anything in this world keeping me here.  I am not talking about anything on a suicidal path by any means...the only thing(people) in this world worth hanging on to will, I hope, be with me in Heaven.  I can't tell you how many times I have looked into the sky and asked God to take me too!  There are also many days when I enjoy being here in this world.  Those times are the ones I am around the people I love...connecting with them on a deeper level.  This is- what I believe- I will enjoy most about Heaven...connecting with people and God.  I have appreciated your prayers and support along the way.  Thank you for keeping on, even when you didn't hear from me through any journals.  What you all do is incredibly healing for our family, so I just wanted to take this moment to tell you how much we appreciate you all.  Keep us close in your hearts and in your prayers.  I know it never gets easier, but it does get more barable!  Pray specifically that we may once again feel the joy in our hearts that we once had.  Thanks again!

Kaydence is having a better Easter than any of us here!

Today, we thought we would go to the grave to see "sissy" because it was Easter and all.  We have not enjoyed taking Micah there lately, not because it is sad for him or sad for us that he is there, but because he keeps on stealing the toys off the other kids graves.  We will turn around to find him setting there playing with a fire truck.  "Where did you get that Micah?"  I always hope we put them back on the right grave.  Hilary and I were talking about Easter and how great it must be for Kaydence today.  We can only dream of the resurrected body of Jesus, but she is there with Him now...looking into His eyes and hugging Him.  We have had a rough few weeks here lately with her death.  It only took about 3 months, but we fell apart...myself included in that.  I don't know what happened...or what triggered the emotion, but it just seemed to come out of nowhere.  I let my boss have it real good last week, so we had a sit down talk in the office on Friday.  I told her I was sorry and she told me not to...I know that she knows what is going on because she lost her husband at a very young age and she went through many of the same things as I am going through now.  What a help she was on Friday...talking to me about stuff.  There was one particular thing she mentioned that I understood very well and I guess you just have to go through something like this to understand to its fullest.  Once the dust settles and the body is burried, pretty much everyone goes back to their normal life they had before everything happened (I'm not saying people aren't effected in some ways, but their life does go back to normal- almost as if nothing happened, because it didn't happen to them).  They will leave as a family and come back as a family to the same life, but we leave changed forever...never to be the same again.  Our pastor was talking about the event of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  It was one of those events that changed the course of history forever...never to be the same again.  He also talked about how tragic it is that there are people walking around today as if it never happened.  We now have a chance to mend our broken relationship with God and are offered forgiveness for our sins...and a place to live for eternity with Him.  Such an amazing thing to have happened and there are people walking around out there as if nothing ever happened.  When I spoke with Hilary after the service, we both grasped the same point.  Just like seeing people go back to their normal lives after the death of Kaydence...people went back to their normal lives after the death of Jesus on the cross.  And still today...people walk around as if it didn't happen.  They are still living their own lives...doing whatever pleases them.  On this day, I pray that the death and resurrection of Jesus is not just some event that happened in history to you.  I pray that it changes everything you do to the core.  May every part of your life be effected by the blood and power of Jesus.  Happy Easter!