Sunday, April 11, 2010

I have went back and read some of the journals about Kaydence, back when she was still here with us.  One of the things that I have heard about the journal that drew people into reading it was that it was "real" more than anything else.  If I had some thought on my mind, I wrote about it that night on the jounal and it was a way for me to get my inner feelings out.  It was also a way for you guys to know what was going on in our lives and how to pray for to support us.  I thought I would set down here tonight and do what I have done in the past...write with no particular goal or thought and see what comes out.  When we burried Kaydence; in my mind, and at that moment, the journey was over.  Many times- when Kaydence was still here with us- I watched her suffer greatly and actually thought that it might be easier if she did pass away.  You see, as a father...your job is to protect your family at all cost.  When Kaydence came into this world, I couldn't do that job and it made me feel two different ways: 1. Like a failure (even though there was nothing I could do to prevent it). 2. Helpless!  No matter how hard I tried, there was no way I could stop the chain of events from happening and that was hard for me as a father.  This is why I thought that it might be easier if she was to pass away, because I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore...I didn't have to watch her suffer anymore.  The journey did not stop when she died just took a turn into a different direction.  I am going to tell you a few things that are probably going to be hard for me to explain- and you will probably try to use your own experiences to try to understand- which is okay.  I have been told by those who have lost people close to them that I need to just let it run it's course, so that is what I am doing.  People always wondered what was going on in our head as the parents of Kaydence, and now people want to know what is going on in our head- now that she is gone.  Back when Kaydence was still here with us, I could sense the Spirit of God surrounding us constantly.  As a matter of fact, I used to go on walks at night and when Hilary asked where I was going my response to her was: "He is wanting me to go on a walk with Him."  You can't get much closer to the Holy Spirit than that!  One thing that has been hard for me over these past few months is that I can't sense Him around me near as much as I did before.  I know that He is there, but I don't feel Him there as much as I did when Kaydence was with us.  There are days when I feel like I am barely holding on...days when I don't feel like there is anything in this world keeping me here.  I am not talking about anything on a suicidal path by any means...the only thing(people) in this world worth hanging on to will, I hope, be with me in Heaven.  I can't tell you how many times I have looked into the sky and asked God to take me too!  There are also many days when I enjoy being here in this world.  Those times are the ones I am around the people I love...connecting with them on a deeper level.  This is- what I believe- I will enjoy most about Heaven...connecting with people and God.  I have appreciated your prayers and support along the way.  Thank you for keeping on, even when you didn't hear from me through any journals.  What you all do is incredibly healing for our family, so I just wanted to take this moment to tell you how much we appreciate you all.  Keep us close in your hearts and in your prayers.  I know it never gets easier, but it does get more barable!  Pray specifically that we may once again feel the joy in our hearts that we once had.  Thanks again!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Kaydence is having a better Easter than any of us here!

Today, we thought we would go to the grave to see "sissy" because it was Easter and all.  We have not enjoyed taking Micah there lately, not because it is sad for him or sad for us that he is there, but because he keeps on stealing the toys off the other kids graves.  We will turn around to find him setting there playing with a fire truck.  "Where did you get that Micah?"  I always hope we put them back on the right grave.  Hilary and I were talking about Easter and how great it must be for Kaydence today.  We can only dream of the resurrected body of Jesus, but she is there with Him now...looking into His eyes and hugging Him.  We have had a rough few weeks here lately with her death.  It only took about 3 months, but we fell apart...myself included in that.  I don't know what happened...or what triggered the emotion, but it just seemed to come out of nowhere.  I let my boss have it real good last week, so we had a sit down talk in the office on Friday.  I told her I was sorry and she told me not to...I know that she knows what is going on because she lost her husband at a very young age and she went through many of the same things as I am going through now.  What a help she was on Friday...talking to me about stuff.  There was one particular thing she mentioned that I understood very well and I guess you just have to go through something like this to understand to its fullest.  Once the dust settles and the body is burried, pretty much everyone goes back to their normal life they had before everything happened (I'm not saying people aren't effected in some ways, but their life does go back to normal- almost as if nothing happened, because it didn't happen to them).  They will leave as a family and come back as a family to the same life, but we leave changed forever...never to be the same again.  Our pastor was talking about the event of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.  It was one of those events that changed the course of history forever...never to be the same again.  He also talked about how tragic it is that there are people walking around today as if it never happened.  We now have a chance to mend our broken relationship with God and are offered forgiveness for our sins...and a place to live for eternity with Him.  Such an amazing thing to have happened and there are people walking around out there as if nothing ever happened.  When I spoke with Hilary after the service, we both grasped the same point.  Just like seeing people go back to their normal lives after the death of Kaydence...people went back to their normal lives after the death of Jesus on the cross.  And still today...people walk around as if it didn't happen.  They are still living their own lives...doing whatever pleases them.  On this day, I pray that the death and resurrection of Jesus is not just some event that happened in history to you.  I pray that it changes everything you do to the core.  May every part of your life be effected by the blood and power of Jesus.  Happy Easter!