Sunday, April 11, 2010

I have went back and read some of the journals about Kaydence, back when she was still here with us.  One of the things that I have heard about the journal that drew people into reading it was that it was "real" more than anything else.  If I had some thought on my mind, I wrote about it that night on the jounal and it was a way for me to get my inner feelings out.  It was also a way for you guys to know what was going on in our lives and how to pray for to support us.  I thought I would set down here tonight and do what I have done in the past...write with no particular goal or thought and see what comes out.  When we burried Kaydence; in my mind, and at that moment, the journey was over.  Many times- when Kaydence was still here with us- I watched her suffer greatly and actually thought that it might be easier if she did pass away.  You see, as a father...your job is to protect your family at all cost.  When Kaydence came into this world, I couldn't do that job and it made me feel two different ways: 1. Like a failure (even though there was nothing I could do to prevent it). 2. Helpless!  No matter how hard I tried, there was no way I could stop the chain of events from happening and that was hard for me as a father.  This is why I thought that it might be easier if she was to pass away, because I wouldn't have to worry about her anymore...I didn't have to watch her suffer anymore.  The journey did not stop when she died just took a turn into a different direction.  I am going to tell you a few things that are probably going to be hard for me to explain- and you will probably try to use your own experiences to try to understand- which is okay.  I have been told by those who have lost people close to them that I need to just let it run it's course, so that is what I am doing.  People always wondered what was going on in our head as the parents of Kaydence, and now people want to know what is going on in our head- now that she is gone.  Back when Kaydence was still here with us, I could sense the Spirit of God surrounding us constantly.  As a matter of fact, I used to go on walks at night and when Hilary asked where I was going my response to her was: "He is wanting me to go on a walk with Him."  You can't get much closer to the Holy Spirit than that!  One thing that has been hard for me over these past few months is that I can't sense Him around me near as much as I did before.  I know that He is there, but I don't feel Him there as much as I did when Kaydence was with us.  There are days when I feel like I am barely holding on...days when I don't feel like there is anything in this world keeping me here.  I am not talking about anything on a suicidal path by any means...the only thing(people) in this world worth hanging on to will, I hope, be with me in Heaven.  I can't tell you how many times I have looked into the sky and asked God to take me too!  There are also many days when I enjoy being here in this world.  Those times are the ones I am around the people I love...connecting with them on a deeper level.  This is- what I believe- I will enjoy most about Heaven...connecting with people and God.  I have appreciated your prayers and support along the way.  Thank you for keeping on, even when you didn't hear from me through any journals.  What you all do is incredibly healing for our family, so I just wanted to take this moment to tell you how much we appreciate you all.  Keep us close in your hearts and in your prayers.  I know it never gets easier, but it does get more barable!  Pray specifically that we may once again feel the joy in our hearts that we once had.  Thanks again!

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