Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I am waiting Lord...keep me close!

I know that my heart is beating, but there are times when I feel as if I am not an empty shell.  We were picking out the grave stone for Kaydence this morning through the funeral home( it is a pink heart with her name in the middle and on the back...her verse(John 9:1-3) and under the verse..."Sissy") and the man who helped us shared a little of his personal story.  He had a little boy who passed away and he talked about going through some of the same things we are going through now.  He talked about how he felt afterward and ended up striking a cord with me.  "It's kind of like you are numb" was what he said, and I knew exactly what he was talking about.  There are times when I wish there was some kind of feeling inside of me, but it ends up feeling more numb instead.  Here lately, I have been feeling something inside of me at moments; and is incredibly hard to explain...but I'll try.  Over the last few weeks, I have been experiencing what my father calls a wrestling of my spirit.  I have been going the direction I have always gone with everything, but there are moments when my spirit wants to go a different direction.  This brings a whole new meaning to being led by the Spirit of Jesus.  In those moments...the feeling I have inside of me is so strong that it makes me want to run away from where I am.  The last place I felt this was in my office- yesterday- during a training that my boss was doing with the team about telemarketing.  I felt such a strong wrestling within my spirit that I couldn't even focus while I was in there.  I have a strong feeling that God is trying to get a hold of me about something He is wanting me to do, but I don't know what it is.  I have been praying a lot over the past few weeks about what is going on inside of me and waiting on the answer from the Lord.  I would like to ask for your prayers on me as I continue in this particular journey.  I know that God has something very exciting around the corner for our family, but this waiting game is pretty hard.  I have a sense that I need to say "Yes" to Jesus...but I don't know what I need to say "Yes" about.  My guess is that He is wanting me to spend some time with Him for now and I will find out- when it is time- what it is He is wanting me to do.  When you have the Spirit of Jesus inside of you and are going a different direction than what He is wanting to go, the feeling is unexplainable...I can't be expressed in words.  Please keep me in your prayers tonight if you think about it.  May God be with you all...thanks for all that you do.

1 comment:

  1. Brian, I realize we hardly know each other, but I am concerned about you. What you are feeling is grief. Please don't try to short-circuit it or hurry it up. I speak from experience that you will suffer far more in years to come if you do. Grief is a process, Brian and it needs to be played out. It is nothing to feel bad about. You have been through so much and God is trying to help you rest. I am not trying to second-guess you, but I suspect that this is the message you are being given from God rather than Him wanting you to "do" something. Don't be so hard on yourself. REST!! You don't need to "do" anything. My heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you all. I cannot even imagine the depth of your grief.